Never Give Up...

I made a decision to sit and write on my birthday sometime last night. There was a familiar stirring within me, a call for expression, for illumination and for acknowledgement. I needed to mark this birthday somehow because for me it feels significant. Some birthdays come and go, gently breathed into and released again as we sail through the oceans of our lives, weathering the storms and calm waters of our unique moments. Some appear lost in sadness and time, sunk beneath the weight of events that constitute human experience. Some birthdays are planned in advance and embraced in an oncoming torrent of celebration and alcohol. To be frank, that was the kind I was expecting, having had so much experience with that craziness. I am surprised and refreshed by what today is offering me though.

Today feels though my ship has come home. It feels as though I have returned to port after a lifetime of ocean sailing, of storms and freak waves, squalls and ocean deserts. 36 years after the event - the launch of my magnificent yacht - I feel as if I have completed a journey of epic proportions. 4 cycles of 9 have been navigated. For me 9 is significant. My birth date adds up to 9 today and did when I was born. My age adds up to 9 today and 9 is my numerological life path number. In truth it only serves as a marker point really and yet, somehow feels like a home-coming.

Looking back on my journey so far, it could appear that I have suffered my fair share of set-backs, heart aches, mind-numbing griefs, unprocessed emotions, broken families, dysfunctional relationships, and relative levels of poverty but that is directly proportional to the amount of adventures I have had, the amount of love and support my family have given me, even when I couldn't or refused to see it, the pathways that have led me to the most conscious and beautiful relationship I have ever been in, the countries I have visited, the amazing network of friends I have, the beautiful people that I have met through my life and the sheer amount of wisdom, love and support I have received on a thousand levels, from a thousand sources.

You see, those storms have shaped my soul and are now providing great compost for my new ideas and dreams. I was Prospero in my own Tempest and I wouldn't change any of it for the world because it is all me. I have not one single regret in my life because I know that all of it was me and I wouldn't be here now, in this moment without it. Regardless of how I feel right now, I can only ever be in one place, in this moment and that is the only place I am ever going to be. There is not a heaven or bright place over the horizon, next week, next year, where everything is peachy. Everything can and at least for me, is peachy right now because I have chosen to embrace all that I am and everything that has ever happened to me.

So, on this morning in the wild olive groves and pine forests of my mountain hideaway, amid the bird song and mountain goats, I celebrate and embrace myself for the completion of another cycle. For all that I am, was and will be. I celebrate the contrast of life for without it we would not want to or be able to move forward.

More so... I write with passion, love, inspiration and hope in my heart that my words may touch and inspire someone to stand up and embrace all that they are as well. The good, the bad and the ugly for it is all relative and is all a part of who we are. I hope that we, as humans may claim all parts of ourselves as beautiful because we are magnificent, creative, gorgeous creatures, whatever form we come in.

As I embark upon a new cycle, I wish you all well and wish you the love and joy that hides in your heart.

An Ode to Our Dreams

A wise sage called Lao Tzu once said that 'A journey of a thousand miles begin with a single step.' Lao Tzu may or may not have been a mythical figure but his quote, which is sometimes attributed to Confucius, stands the test of time. In the 1500 years since these great sages lived, and endless time before and after, nothing can be faulted within this deep observation. In fact, taken more than literally, it is a marker point of thought to be ruminated and acted upon.

Often we may stand in the face of procrastination, unwilling to move backwards or forwards, caught adrift on a tide of inaction leading us into the doldrums of mediocrity. Yet, when faced with insurmountable odds, bad habits and fears, we can take in this ancient wisdom, sit with it and meditate for a few minutes, allowing its simplistic message to permeate through the thick elephant skin of our inaction.

In the weeks that have passed since I wrote about procrastination I have embarked upon a new form of creative endeavour. One that to me, reflects the very quote that has me inspired to write. Gone is the mind-numbing thought of the mountains I must climb... the unwritten book, the album's worth of songs, the masterpiece painting... the showstopping performance on Broadway! Gone is the confusion and fear of how I am ever going to achieve these goals and the opinions of others. In its place is a much more soothing rhythm that has me hungering for more, waking up eager to write, take photos, practice guitar and explore this amazing Universe we live in.


Source: Hubblesite.org

I have let go of the destination and the distance... the thousand miles ahead no longer matters. I know where I want to go but what is important now is taking the first step. So I have begun taking those single steps. Small ones, baby steps... steps that are possible, steps that do not stretch me too much but leave me wanting enough to get up the next day and have another go.

You see, true to the form of old wise sage dudes, the journey can be taken metaphysically within the mind, emotionally with the spirit or quite literally in the realm of the relative. But best is when we combine the power of the mind with the visceral reality of the body and the eager passions of the heart. This is true balance.

There are so many steps each of us can take toward our dreams. Such little things. Small positive steps in the direction we want to go. It seems quite simple when you pull it all apart. Open and trust your heart. It knows what you love and will show you the way. It points through good feelings in the direction of your dreams. Then, focus the mind in the direction you want to go, focus on the dream you want to express, achieve, create or be. Imagine it, play with it, pretend to be it. Finally, take a step... not a big scary impossible step... (that will draw you back to inaction) but a small, achievable step. You want to travel - buy a travel book. You want to sing professionally - take a singing lesson. Go even smaller... you want to speak Spanish - look on the internet for Spanish courses. You want a yoga fit body but are too scared to go to a full yoga class - do 5 minutes stretching at home. Take the step that you can take. The one that feels comfortable and easy to take. Let go of the doubt and make a small exploration of yourself. What could I do now that moves me one step toward my dreams? Then make sure you turn up and take it. And then the next... and the next... and the next...

Me, I want to express myself more fully as a musician and writer, perhaps explore acting again as I did when I was younger, travel more, have more fun, have more money. I finally got round to buying a book on song-writing by Pat Pattison that I had been procrastinating about buying for months! It was £9 on Amazon Kindle. Cheap to buy. What an easy step. Next step... read it! This is what got me started on those baby steps. The author said just write for a few minutes a day. So that is what I do. I sit in the morning and write for 15 minutes. Then I get up and walk away. I stop the timer. I stop mid-sentence. My writing is directed and focused and when I am done, half finished, I feel as if I have not said enough and I want more. So I come back the next day eager. No big moves. No impossible tasks. For the moment I am keeping those baby steps.

It is rather like training for a marathon. So many of us pin up our dreams to the board and expect to run 26 miles in an instant and when don't reach the finish line we give up. We shelve our dreams calling them hopeless. But they are not... they are the stuff of our hearts and our passions. We must hold onto them dearly for they give us life. They give us a reason to get out of bed. Be proud of your dreams and fight for them. Not with battles against others or yourself, trying to justify whether your worthy or not, but fight for them with a calm peacefulness within, taking baby steps, doing what you can. Fight your fears with a minute of meditation on your heart. Be silent and enjoy yourself. Take your baby steps... 5 minutes a day is better than no minutes a day and a damn sight more productive than trying to run the whole distance in one go.

I think every achievement is a combination of steps, a jigsaw puzzle, slowly fitted together, piece by piece. The joy is in the doing of the thing, moment to moment. That is why sportspeople keep on playing tournaments after they have won once. For it is not the destination but the journey that counts. The steps you take are far more important than the end result.

One last thing... it seems that when we get lost in the passion rather the worry, when we embrace the steps rather than result (or lack thereof), when we open our hearts to the moment rather than the unmanifest future... that is when the magic really begins. Perhaps this is summed up best in a quote that I have often written at the front of numerous notebooks. It is from The Scottish Himalaya Expedition by a mountaineer called W.H.Murray.

“Until one is committed, there is hesitancy, the chance to draw back. Concerning all acts of initiative (and creation), there is one elementary truth, the ignorance of which kills countless ideas and splendid plans: that the moment one definitely commits oneself, then Providence moves too. All sorts of things occur to help one that would never otherwise have occurred. A whole stream of events issues from the decision, raising in one's favor all manner of unforeseen incidents and meetings and material assistance, which no man could have dreamed would have come his way. I learned a deep respect for one of Goethe's couplets: Whatever you can do, or dream you can do, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it.”

Procrast The Nation

A sheepish feeling runs through my body as I begin to type these words. I feel as if I have long been away, avoiding something that once started, quickly takes me over like a fever. I wonder why I spent so long away from this writing expression. I wonder who I let down after my protracted absence. Startled, I realise that the only person whose time I wasted was my own. The only person feeling sheepish happens to be the one who is writing.

The online Oxford Dictionary defines procrastination as 'the action of delaying or postponing something' and I have felt that feeling on and off for most of my life in various regards. Yet I wonder, who has not had this feeling from time to time and where does it come from? Procrastination seems to be a collective and individual response to a certain set of parameters that differ from our current state of being. Sometimes a knee-jerk reaction, sometimes a habitual predilection, born of some hidden motive. Most often, procrastination is associated with laziness and an unwillingness to begin or complete a task. We find all manner of useless things to get on with before embarking, if ever, on the actual job at hand. Cleaning, watching TV, tidying up files, ruminating, staring into space, drinking beer, fiddling with belly buttons. I think I have tried them all and declared myself an expert in most forms of distraction.

Yet, in my travels, I believe it to run deeper than simple laziness. The call to action challenges us to step out of our comfort zone. It beckons us to move into a different frequency of energy. It requires us to make a subtle and sometimes major shift not only in our physicality but in our mental state as well. Often our emotions get involved, heart pumping fast, seeking a way out, some kind of fear or lack of motivation taking hold.

For myself, I have long sought creative expression. I have written poems, songs and essays and for long periods of time I have avoided writing poems, songs and essays. Even this blog, meant to be a documentary and showcase of my travels in inner and outer space has often been put on hold. Not through any lack of wanting I might add. I have been frustrated, depressed and anguished, blocking my art and flow. Finding rhyme and reason for all my excuses. I have embarked on courses to release my creative voice... To banish my artists block! In looking at the blocks, I am sure I created the blocks. In creating blocks, albeit unconsciously, I came up with the techniques to fill my time whilst I avoided my work. Up until only just a few days ago, did I fail to realise that the best way to break the pattern of procrastination is to take a deep breath and jump right in. You see, I was procrastinating about everything; making friends, making plans, practicing yoga, writing songs, booking gigs, playing gigs, practicing guitar, finding jobs and ultimately... feeling good. How do we even procrastinate our way out of feeling good!?

It is not all bad though. Through all this non-action there have of course been moments of pure clarity and purpose. There have been moments of daylight. Moments of pure creation. Moments of frenetic activity. The procrastination has helped me to grow. It has fanned the flames of my inner yearning to do more and be more. In fact, this blog is a reflection of the journey out of procrastination more than the journey into it. It is a call to hope. A herald of free movement, excitement and joy beyond the desert of distraction that so many of us find ourselves in. It is indeed, a proffered hand, offering compassion and understanding, declaring that we are not in fact lazy when we procrastinate but perhaps, more accurately, not quite prepared for the coming change in our energy.

Procrastination offers a way out of action. It is a coping mechanism that activates when we are not up to speed with the vibration and energy that is required of us to make that leap from the old to the new. Often we are stuck in the energy of another task. Often we are stuck in the energy of inertia... a paradox you might say. Yet inertia is addictive. The brain creates short cuts for ease of use. Maybe we fear, for some reason or another doing that thing we so want to do or that task we have set for ourselves. Perhaps that fear came from an early age. We might think we are not good enough. Perhaps we got stuck in a pattern of thinking that is opposite to the task. In this then, procrastination is an avoidance of feeling good. At least, it is an avoidance of feeling really good. We feel relief when we procrastinate. Relief at not having to face judgement, criticism or effort expended. But what is this feeling compared to a job well done, a song well sung, or a painting well hung? What are we missing out on? What satisfaction and joy are we sacrificing for a temporary moment of relief in which to goggle at the latest apps available on android before coming up once again to that same moment of terror and indecision... act or procrastinate, act or procrastinate!

I have explored myself quite fully up to this moment in time. I have no doubt that there is an infinite cosmos more of myself which I can explore. Much like looking into space and identifying most of the stars, declaring that you have now explored all that you can see only to realise that if you travel to the furthest star in your known universe, you will observe a whole new set of wonders that you couldn't see from your stump. Well, that's me. On my stump, looking up. In my looking I have begun to see that what I thought I knew is only the beginning of me. 

I have reached the edge of all I can take with procrastination. I have discovered that the best way to handle it is to love yourself and softly whisper in your own ear... 'This is going to be okay. I can do it. I am going to be fine'. Then you take a deep breath, imagine yourself doing whatever it is you were about to avoid, and with a massive smile on your face, leap right in and begin. In the ensuing moments, when the feeling of fear or procrastination is strong, you imagine the completion of the task and the joy you will feel when it is done.

I feel more positive and active now than I ever have done and it is growing day by day. Moving through procrastination gives you power to embark on new ventures. It gives you confidence because really, I think we are moving through fear into a place of action. But more so, I believe we are moving from a place of not being energetically ready into a place of preparing ourselves to accept life. I think, as we face our inertia, and first imagine our way through it, loving ourselves through it, we become more present. We can enter our bodies more fully and come more into harmony with our heart and our true self. 

For me this is the key. Becoming present and taking time to feel good. Beginning a dialogue with my heart, listening to my positive emotions and following the direction that they point to. Focusing on the aspects of my life that feel good right now. Entering the moment and enlivening myself with good vibrations and only then moving into inspired action. I do not force myself to act but I do leap. Once I have worked myself up into a frenzy, the only thing left to do is leap, and there I go! I love myself. I talk with myself. I provide myself with enough love and encouragement needed for the frenzy and ensuing vault into the void. Now when I hit the chilly waters of my mountain pool of action, I find them invigorating instead of unbearable. Bit by bit I have trained myself in baby steps. Sometimes it takes moments. Other times, when the feeling of procrastination is strong, it takes a day or two. But move through I will for I want to be present and I want to embrace life.

There is a greater dream self in all of us, that eager, excited part of us that yearns for greater expression. It yearns to have fun, explore the world, laugh fully and vibrate with joy. If we can begin that small step of breaking through the most mundane of distractive habits, what fantastic adventures could we then take ourselves upon?! What dreams may come...